Summer

I am so happy it's getting warm.  We have been living in the backyard, making me incredibly grateful that we actually have a backyard.  Luthie and I hang in the baby pool, I get my tan on, and Judah does this: 

Judah

Well we have a baby--Judah Andrew Horner! He was born January 4 a little after 1pm. I went into labor around 9:30am, and fortunately Andy had not left for work yet. My sister wasn't arriving until the evening so we scrambled around, got Luthien to her beloved babysitter, then took off for the hospital. He came fast, and we stuck it to the man by not listening to most of the instructions from the hospital personnel. Andy was a great support and advocate for me. I am so glad he can support me like that.

Thinks have been hectic but I think we are adjusting well here. The boy himself is super chill. It feels so easy taking care of a newborn this time around. He nurses well, and rarely cries. He's a tiny little guy, only weighed 6 pounds 5 ounces at birth. Today was Andy's first day back at work since the baby was born, but my sister has been helping out a ton. We have been enjoying her cooking thoroughly :)

Luthien has had some rough times. She is extra clingy, and has been having some trouble getting into a regular sleeping pattern. But she loves Judah, and tries to hold him and kiss him as often as possible. I'm sure it's quite an emotional adjustment for her.

It's so amazing to see our expanded little family. It is crazy and hectic, but there is so much joy and laughter too.

Losing yourself

I don't really believe in losing yourself to motherhood. At least not anymore than you lose yourself to anything in life.

Let me clarify. As a fairly new mama there have been times when I've felt like I've 'lost myself.' But that usually happens when I start to think I'm meant for something super awesome. It's a classic grass is greener on the other side type thing. Granted this happens in my darker moments when motherhood feels decidedly not awesome. But I think this is a mistaken way of thinking. I am not the activities I enjoy, I am not knitting, running, reading, ultimate frisbee, or stout beer. These things are good and enriching but they don't make me who I am. It is still important I do them for my own good, but if I never knitted again I wouldn't be less of myself.

My point is I am most myself when I bring myself, all my gifts and weirdnesses and also faults into what I am doing...into my duties, my conversations, my work, my play, everything. I may have to spend my entire day typing on the computer and feeding Luthien, and doing laundry, but if I do these as myself bringing myself into them for love of my family and of myself, I do not lose myself in them. For instance, yesterday evening Luthien was kind of a nutcase. She was crazy and I was feeling like losing it. So I just started hanging with her and pretty soon we were spinning in circles in the living room and laughing, getting dizzy and falling down. I was still in full blowing mom mode, but I felt completely myself too. I will spin around in circles with my kid even if I look like an idiot and this is a good thing about me.

So in all that is crazy about parenthood, I contend it is possible to bring your selfhood into it, and let it thrive there. If that means you sing a song about pooping to keep your kid entertained while changing their diaper that totally works. Making time for ourselves individually is important, but so is realizing that you don't cease to exist, to have personality when you are doing your regular parenting work.